Caustic Thoughts

Random funny thoughts with a taste of Pinoy and a hint of acid.

witandwisdom

Bloggers with Bling

by 10 Comments

I finally met a famous person. For a moment in time, I was within breathing distance of Blogie, a Mindanao blogger so exceptional that fate had decreed him worthy to in turn swap air with WordPress founder and every female blogger’s dream geek charming, Matt Mullenweg. If there is any truth to the new age, self-help, photocopied teaching available in Gullible Alley, my recent association with greatness will prompt the universe to reward me with an equally promising future in the blogosphere.


I guess the positive energies of the universe are taking longer than usual to reward me maybe because it can’t find my tiny corner in its vastness. Either that or the universe doesn’t know enough SEO to give me a lift. Nonetheless, the meeting with Blogie did not disappoint. Surprisingly though, the greatest insight I got from it was not the fact that earning through blogging is more difficult than curing hernia through positive thinking. It was the realization that Cagayan de Oro (CDO) may be missing an identity.


Apparently, there is a big chance that CDO will host next year’s Mindanao Bloggers’ Summit. One requirement is a standard logo for CDO bloggers. We’ve got a fabulous green logo actually but it seems we don’t have the equivalent of Gen San’s tuna and Davao’s eagle on it. Mistress of WordPress themes, ChiQ Montes mentioned that it could be because CDO lacks an identity.



As a Cebuana born in Baguio, ChiQ’s observation seemed accurate to me. My first few years in CDO did not give me a strong sensation of the city’s uniqueness like the scent of Baguio’s pine and the feel of Cebu’s queenship did.



It was only after the meeting concluded that I remembered that CDO did have an identity. Long before it became an adventure capital, long before Emano attached 3Bs to its name (Bloom, Blossom, Boom?), long before it became popular as an open entry port, it was (still is?) the City of Golden Friendship. It is uncertain whether this second name is an intended or an accidental reference to its name, Cagayan de Oro which has a number of translations depending on who you’re asking. It may roughly mean river of gold/ to rake the soil for rocks or gold ore.



Indeed before the city’s hospitality bore a resemblance to the value of gold, CDO’s river sputtered gold. I remember how a former city counselor, who was once my host before I decided to finally live in the city, took gold from the river and fashioned it into two rings, one for him and one for his Visayan bride. When opportunity gave him the chance to leave for an adventure abroad, he gave it up to return to his golden city and his golden friendships.



This is a golden city, a literal and figurative modern El Dorado at the mouth of Mindanao. But because I’m not a creative designer I wouldn’t know how to fit that into a logo. Besides, the gold concept can’t help but bring to my mind CDO bloggers sporting bling bling in gold which is just plain freaky.

*Photo credits to ChiQ, Butiti and that PJoe’s waiter

All Quiet in the South-Eastern Front

by 9 Comments

It’s that time of year when crime rates are at their lowest, when streets enjoy light traffic and when the MILF declares ceasefires without fail. I’m not talking about Christmas. I’m talking about Pacquiao bouts. This last one with Dela Hoya has done all these plus it has made every enterprising Filipino with a cable connection richer by a few hundreds. If Pacquiao wants to help maintain peace here in the south and encourage some small measure of economic health, he could risk his life in the ring more often. That would make him a true heroic martyr worthy of a tin shrine next to Bonifacio’s desecrated one.

For those of us who are too miserly to get a cable connection, the benefits of Pacquiao bouts take longer to happen. So while the rest of the neighborhood ooh and aah in real time, we misers have to wait for three hours for a delayed telecast that’s generously peppered with five minute advertisements for every three minute round. Some of my housemates retreat with earplugs to the farthest corners of the house to escape well-meaning neighbors intent on spreading the news of the outcome. 
But it is impossible not to find out who the victor is before the delayed show. After years of hearing the neighbors howl, weep and recite expletives, it’s easy for every late viewer to develop the skill of determining Pacquiao fight outcomes based on human emitted sounds alone. My father-in-law however has a way of justifying not getting cable for the sake of watching Pacman destroy someone else’s face. He doesn’t mind watching delayed bouts with prior knowledge of the outcome because it’s watching the process of slugging that counts. 
In any case, delayed or not, I enjoy Pacman days because everyone’s behaved down here. Pacman brings peace like no other living creature can.
Photo Credit: cooldude

Marky Cielo is Dead

by 4 Comments


I was never a huge fan of most local showbiz personalities but I like some of them. One of those that stood out for me was Marky Cielo. I liked this guy from the start because he wore his local origins like a badge of honor. I originally came from Baguio City and it was such a proud moment for me to see someone in showbiz who was not ashamed of being an Igorot and who wore the local colors like natural skin and without shame.

Marky Cielo died yesterday amidst all the hubub and rejoicing over Pacquiao’s win. Indeed it was a pain to watch that local showbiz talk show where the hosts had to vascillate between gravity and glee in the light of both events.

I don’t know how he died but he might have died in his sleep. According to initial reports his mom went into his room and found him dead. Some sources suspect that the young actor may have gone the same way as Rico Yan. As of today though, Marky’s family is awaiting the official medical assessment. He was only twenty.

It is always a pity when young people die but it is even more of a tragedy when the young ones who die are the ones gifted with talent, humility, integrity and unaffected Pinoy pride.

Why do the good ones have to go early?

Photo Credit: kamza08

Idle Mind

by 4 Comments

Someone once told me that idle minds breed idle thoughts. Despite rotting underneath a lot of work, my mind has been pretty idle lately. Apparently though, the evilest my mind could get was to get itself lost in the aging Asian videos and novellas in Youtube.

Do you remember those days when Filipinos of all ages and orientations swooned over those beardless, monotoned, emotionally challenged pretty flower boys from Taipei? I never really got into the craze because logic and two decades in a library filled to the brim with stuffy, constipated ancient Western philosophy forbade the enjoyment of pop culture. Now that my library in Alexandria has sunk 20,000 leagues under the sea and has been replaced by the endless struggle for survival in a paradise for capitalists, I have finally realized that pop media and culture truly are balms for folks under tedious yolks.

Having been detached for so long from this reality, I needed hours to catch up with whatever was hip 4 or 5 years ago. What did I learn? I found out that one of the F4 was a former waiter while another one was an engineering student. They probably feel that trading highlights and footlights for a tray or a T-square just isn’t cool because after so many years, they’re still alive and doing the same thing.

Obviously though, these boys are on the brink of showbiz middle age. Although they still show no signs of receding hairlines hidden under ball caps like Donnie Wahlberg of New Kids on the Block, the fact that they now have hairier armpits and locks that no longer look like they were treated on their mothers’ ironing boards (and secretly carry high class sophisticated million dollar lice) show that they are nearly old enough to release a “Best Of” album and to carry silver tipped canes on a reunion concert.

I also found out that Meteor Garden was not an original concept. It was borrowed from a Japanese manga whose creator had probably writhed in agony over the fact that no one cared that it was his idea. Japan now has its own version of the story but apparently, their leads are less smooth, hairless and metrosexual than the original F4 because very few are swooning.

Filipino Spaghetti

by 5 Comments

I need my spaghetti fix. Unfortunately, I can’t prepare my own. It’s not that my culinary aptitude is so close to nonexistent that I do not know how to cook noodles in boiling water for five minutes and to heat a pack of Hunts sauce. It’s just that someone I live with doesn’t seem to like my spaghetti.

I tried serving my kind of spaghetti on several occasions and on every one of those times, my father-in-law, who is a true cook extraordinaire and whose word is law in the kitchen, glared at my pots of sauce. Each time the itch got the better of him, out came the hotdogs and free flowing ketchup from the fridge and into my sauce. Twice I insisted on MY sauce. He didn’t say anything but the ever so slightly perceptible depression at the sides of his mouth and the way he kept his bottle of ketchup beside him like a six shooter made me feel like my spaghetti had suddenly grown an aquiline nose, brown hair, a foreign accent and an unpatriotic air.
If there is such a thing as American pizza, then there is nothing wrong with having Filipino spaghetti but there is nothing wrong with me either. My spaghetti is just the way I like it. It’s just the way Pugad Baboy’s Dagul likes it. It’s just the way a weird Filipina lost in her own country likes it. I suspect though that to avoid further tension in the kitchen and the inconvenience of preparing two platters of differently flavored spaghetti, I shall have to go to that restaurant that smacks of stiff aquiline noses where the pasta I like will cost me a day’s wages. Huhuhu.

CDO Bloggers

by 17 Comments

I’ve always had people problems. Let me rephrase that. I have a problem with people. I don’t exactly run away screaming at the sight of people— YET, but I do prefer to go solo most of the time. That’s why friends usually get offended when I decline invitations for communal binging and I get wide-eyed stares of surprise from acquaintances when they catch me plying my air conditioned primary residence that is the mall.

But I live in the Philippines where the desire to congregate is many times stronger than other people’s. This is the country where every event that distracts even slightly from routine becomes an excuse to call friends and family for endless rounds of merrymaking. If most people in my circle socialize with painful regularity, I figured that there must be something wrong with me.
It was therefore with tremendous effort fueled by a small desire at achieving normalcy, that I purposefully accepted an invitation to meet fellow bloggers in the city. That was even as I quaked in my shoes at the prospect of meeting real people. But the meeting appealed to me because it had ends other than getting drunk on absurdly expensive buckets of beer. I was told that city groups of bloggers were all the rage in Manila and Davao and that it was about time that Cagayan de Oro had its own.
I arrived early because I did not want to have to stare stupidly at restaurant patrons looking for people who looked like online avatars. So I sat there, every nerve in my body in tiny involuntary seizures either because of the endless cups of coffee I had consumed while waiting or because of the fear that people were coming.
The people who looked nothing like their creepy, cute or abstract avatars eventually came. The most surprising thing about them was that they were all accomplished techno-savvy professionals who had every right to scoff at my newbieness BUT (gasp) they did not bite! By virtue of some invisible force, I blurted some gibberish, succeeded at convincing them that I was amiable and became a part of a group.
I wonder if this makes me normal now.

The Watcher

by 9 Comments

A friend who lives in another island is in need of a watcher, not the type whose job is to make sure that his boss’ vote buying really pays off. I mean the type whose job is: (1) to ring for the nurse in case the one being watched inexplicably turns blue, and (2) to satisfy the billing department’s demand for another down payment before the hospital is confronted with the dilemma of whether or not to take hostages.

I had a similar problem when I gave birth but it was more because of my ignorance than the actual lack of a watcher. I didn’t know until past my second decade of existence that patient watchers in Philippine hospitals are a must. Otherwise, patients will discover the true definition of death by neglect. So I went to the hospital by myself in all my pregnant glory to the distress of the staff who told me I needed a watcher immediately unless of course I were capable of lying in the delivery table, paying the bills, buying medicine and checking for spare blood from Red Cross all at the same time. Fortunately for me, I had in-laws who were so grandchild hungry that they didn’t mind watching over the source of what would become the joy of their twilight years.

My sister had pals who were equally as ignorant as I but they had an excuse because they were Europeans on a vacation in the Philippines. One of them had to unexpectedly be admitted to the hospital so the other one drives her to a public hospital and leaves her there. A nurse comes along and asks her for her watcher. The European blinks and her expression transforms into a question mark. So does that mean that European hospitals do not require watchers?

This begs the question: Are close Filipino family ties partly the result of hospital systems or are hospital systems the result of close family ties? Moreover, is the poverty of the Filipino condition yet again to blame for our need for watchers? What if every member of the family had to work to pay for the hospital bills? Should one volunteer to be unemployed to watch over the hospitalized?

If only my friend’s hospital allows online watchers in the same way that one funeral parlor now allows online wakes, there’d be no problem. Hehe.

Mag Chat at Bumuo ng Mail

by 14 Comments

I’ve been told that Yahoo Mail is so last decade and that the sosy ones have migrated to Gmail. I’m not exactly the sosy type but @gmail does sound nicer than @yahoo at least until Gmail becomes the next big stale thing five years from now.

So I signed up for a Gmail account and was a little surprised. Apparently my default mode is in Filipino and even if I try to shift to English, I still get the Filipino translation of everything when I check my mail.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the Filipino language. To me, it is one of the softest and most romantic of languages but it feels weird when you attempt to use it in a technical manner and on an online platform. It seems slightly out of place and incomplete. I still can’t get the hang of Mga Bituin and Kahon ng paghahanap and then there’s Mga Chat and Mga Setting. Don’t we have translations for chat, settings, sign-out, inbox, contacts and spam (ano yun, Karne Norte)? Is there no place in our noble tongue for tech talk?

My little trip into Pinoy Gmail just reminded me of how we still haven’t kept up with the virtual trend. While much of the world has completed its online migration, BIR still doesn’t have a more appropriate system for taxing online netizens, schools are still teaching Word and Power Point and small companies still haven’t realized that the future of businesses is in virtual reality.

I can’t blame the structure of our language for being what it is and for not allowing some local versions of foreign words. But I can’t seem to reconcile myself with the idea that there are other aspects of online life that our social systems also do not accommodate.

Maybe I’m just really looking for a genuine Pinoy online experience that doesn’t feel like I left half of my body in some foreign land.

Job Wet Market

by 4 Comments

It was reasonable to assume that the day started out on a positive note. The rows of neat tables and boards were laid out in anticipation of an orderly flow of people. They would go in for short chats and go out joyously expectant.

By the middle of the morning, I was told that the line had gone on into infinity. But at least the tables were still in order and although the level of human noise pollution had risen incredibly, no one had yet dropped dead of exhaustion. 
It was a different story as the clock struck three. By then, the line of people that had snaked beyond sight had inexplicably found its way into the bowel of the large unpaved room and the orderly flow broke in one swoop. The tables resisted displacement but the aisles in between had people going in eight directions. An instant at the doorway would tell you that everyone in the room had developed over active sebaceous glands and that venturing in would most likely give you a whiff of what humans really smell like without chemical masking. You’d have fonder memories of your face rubbed on a table of fresh fish.
If it weren’t for the obvious signs of life, I’d say we were all inside a giant canister filled with sweat and carbon dioxide. People stood so close to each other that each would have to breathe whatever the others exhaled. At least the taller ones had dibs on whatever fresh air was still available. The poor ones in polo shirts and slacks who sat on either side of the rows of tables had no choice but to inhale who knew what. 
At the end of the day though, staying in the canister proved to be more appealing than moving out. They all had to go home at the same time and it seemed that there were so many humans on that single spot of earth that there were no public rides left. Both sides of the street had clumps of people waiting to attack empty jeepneys on the way down to the city. Others simply opted to walk. 
I had no idea that this was the extent of unemployment in our city, in our country actually.

Silence No More

by 2 Comments

It is a common belief that writers need silence OR order to make sense out of the strands of thought that constantly threaten to twist into dreadlocks. There are a couple of writers I know who must damage their biological clocks so they can sleep in the morning and compose in the dead of the night when everything is— well, seemingly dead. 
I used to need silence too because I was used to it. I lived with a mom who had a house that was almost a monastery (or was that a cemetery). Circumstances have changed though. I now live with true Pinoys who thrive in minefields of constantly exploding sound. If it isn’t Martin Nievera dripping goo on the CD player it’s some neighbor on the videoke exercising strangled cords in a key that has yet to be invented. I cannot afford to take a break to rant, rave and demand a stop to the madness. Time ticks for the writing slave who must produce or else suffer the absence of tomorrow’s pandesal and instant noodles. In a way, I beam with pride over my new hybrid ability. I am invincible.
Deep inside, I also don’t seem to mind the daily ruckus anymore. It seems to me as if Filipinos are happier when there is noise. My father-in-law says his radio is always turned on to drive the evil spirits away but it might as well include bad memories and psychological disorders. 
My mother-in-law was extremely noisy and extremely happy even when she knew that her disease would rob her equally noisy clan of a day’s worth of laughter. But even as they prepared to let her go, it was the constant noise on nightly vigils, 9th days and 40 days that ensured that those she left behind would go on living.
Huh.